An Ode to My Loser Friends as a Fan Fiction
by RiEsPr
Summary: An amazing thrillercomedy of gigantic preportions in which everyone dies and the biggest question in the universe is answer: is there intelligent life out there?Find out in An Ode to My Loser Friends as a Fan Fiction


**I'm RiEsPr's best and most awesomest friend (yes, she actually said so, so HA!) **

**Disclaimer: Not mine, J. K. Rowling's **

Harry Potter was skipping alone, on his way home, unaware that he had stalker friends. Yes, Harry was being followed and, quite stupidly, was unable to catch onto the fact; every rattle of a garbage can was a cat, every wavering shadow was a tree, every whisper was the wind. Yes, the mighty hero Harry was unaware that his doom would not be brought about by Lord Voldemort, but rather by two drunken thugs. Harry continued to skip when any normal person would have bolted in terror; our fearless hero unwittingly stood his ground in an imposing act of ignorance. It was this unresponsive behavior that incited these aggressive stalkers to kill. As they mounted and gunned their motorcycles, Harry stopped and turned, the thugs sped towards the astonished boy and lopped his head off in a rather non-magical, though highly comedic manner. Thus came about the end of Harry Potter, the Boy that Lived.

While Harry was busy being stalked, Draco was shopping for a new bodyguard. Quite recently Crabbe had taken one too many blows to the head and was now rendered _completely_ brain dead. Malfoy wandered up and down the slave shops until he found a tough brute, just the kind of person he was looking for. He quickly enlisted him into his posse and so "Benny the Traitor" entered the story. Soon after he had made the purchase Draco and Benny went down the dark Nocturne Alley where Benny proceeded to rape and murder Malfoy, leaving his corpse to be burned at the stake under the false pretenses of being a zombie. Malfoy's refusal to say anything in his own defense further supported the accusers' claim.

Soon after Ron was walking around when he found a lone candy on the ground. After brief consideration Ron ate the candy. It turned out to be poison. This is why we all abide by the five-second rule. This rule was instated so that random candies would not be ingested in such a manner. If it has only been on the ground for five seconds you would have seen it drop and it can, therefore, NOT be poison.

Hermione was spending her summer with Viktor Krum, at the time that this story takes place Hermione was picking rare and poisonous plants. Viktor unwittingly came up to her for a long make-out session, which she happily participated in. Unfortunately, she had gotten some poisonous juices on her hands, so as she caressed and kissed Krum and Krum's body she ingested it. It was the most poisonous poison in the entire world ever to be concocted and she died instantaneously. The poison seeped into the bewildered Krum's skin and he died as well. The moral here is quite simple, wash your hands before you make out and do other similar activities. However, if you would like to adapt this moral both "don't make out" and "don't touch poison and poisonous substances" would be appropriate.

Afterwards, aliens landed on the Earth. They were much more powerful than magic, they blew up the world up in its entirety including themselves and everyone on it. The moral is that there are no intelligent life forms in all the vastness of space. The exception to this is me, I am the only form of intelligence anywhere, I died because I was bright enough to know how much life would suck alone after the explosion. I didn't warn anyone because in my genius I knew they wouldn't listen.

**I actually wrote this cuz I was making fun of ALL my friends who read fan fictions and nothing else that could be interesting or beneficial in any way, not even street signs. If you are one of these addicted losers (don't worry I call everyone a loser) I believe there is help for you at a clinic or something. The rooms go, Alcohol Rehab, Drug Rehab, Fan Fiction Rehab… yeah, go there then come back and review my story. HOORAY REVIEWS!**

-----Ziggybuggydug

_Ich bin der Kaiser und ich möchte Knödeln  
_I am Emperor, I want noodles, so I get them


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